further ’round the bush

***

cleanse

Good morning Wednesday.  Hello migraine.  Dammit.  Thank god for fast acting modern chemistry.  I am to meet someone I like from afar for no clear reason, just that she seems reasoned & highly creative.    It suddenly occurs that I have no idea what this meeting is about. I soothe with the idea that it is simply about the two of us meeting.  It’s also good for her to know me beyond the internet.  I pop the gum, I click the iPod, I put into gear, I am on the road.  I feel exhilarated.

Driving 30 minutes, finding parking, managing to only be 15 minutes late (DAMMIT)  ((How am I always on time for work but never on time for people in cafe or bar?!))  (oh look there’s a spot) (((you know the answer to why you are always late.))).  What was an hour or two’s planned first ever meeting with a bright young woman newer to my work-world turns into sudden realization we’ve spent 9 hours talking.  I feel refreshed. How clean and clear and real.

I recall the moment a few weeks ago where I stated, out loud, that I was not socializing and thus becoming a stagnant nincompoop.  Lately, that’s been more than just a little overturned.

Note about the meeting: She is really inspiring.  She’s also 18 years younger than I am.  Good lord how is that even possible?? I envy her in the best of ways -  a sense of pleasurable “wow” at all of the things she knows which I never knew at that age.  The sheer balls & togetherness of her shit makes me feel older but feel excited.   I feel the impression of one with their  boundaries clearer than most, I am very impressed.  I feel a desire to learn from her or perhaps just just know her and see where her orbit takes her in the coming years.  More than a colleague.  And also she’s a fan of one favorite European city wherein I have spent some fabulous time with friends and Schwepps Bitter Lemon.

It’s a late night return to home.

I can barely sleep, I’m keyed up. I am cleansed.  I’ve lost one friend in the last 2 weeks in a rather overwhelming way.  I stated some thing about just plain needing to get out.  Now it’s happening in force.  I want to create my own castle and kick everyone out.  I want everyone in my castle.  I don’t know what I want.  I get 4 hours of sleep.

ladyHey there Thursday.  Looks like I am too spent for meeting this other woman with whom I’ve been meaning to get together forever and can tell is a elegkindred soul.  There’s so much to take care of, let’s skip it.  Day passes, so many things happen, horrible day and… we decide at the last minute to just do it.  No make-up and scruffy clothes and unkempt hair shouldn’t keep us from tea, biscuits, business.  The funny part is that we’ve posed many fashionable ‘meeting at last’ concepts of shopping, museums, and generally enjoying the ‘dress up’  concept as it is our connected passion.  Something felt right about none of that happening in the pre-planned way.  Room was made for many future get-togethers.  This was another 7 hours and our busy lives are all that prevented talking ’till dawn.  A new friend in the same line of work  – she mirrors, I mirror – there’s a “separated at birth” delight.  We shall corner the market on something wholly new together.

Friday passes in a blur of playing catch up & fb.  It’s 7pm before I realize I’ve only eaten coffee all day.  No wonder I feel nutty.  I have recently learned of a shocking action  on the part of one I trusted.  I mostly spend the day finally coping with just what that means.  This on the heels of something specific that brings all the pieces together.  Funny to me how the active decision to surgically remove that friend-lesion I fore-mentioned has given way to two very interesting new people, a realization that I had been protecting myself but not well enough.  How much I long to simply hide away within the prison walls and force all to come to me.  How boring life would become at times but how it may be that I make this choice in the coming years.

Must cook vegan foods for the next day’s festival of truth and horror, I go Indian, I barely make it to bed by 1 am.

fightthepower

And then… I spend over 10 hours together in a seminar discovering the horrible power of the state and the terrible truth of what I love doing as my life’s work and livelihood.  It’s a worse risk than I thought.. or is it?  In truth, I’ve known this but when confronted in a group of others in same boat, it’s quite a terrifying feeling that we all could sink like stones at any time.  Happily I obtain complete, full, answers to all questions and have strongly reiterated rights awareness.  It’s like this:  There is no consent between two “consenting adults” .   I am reminded that there is good and bad for being in the Bay Area.  Bad means everyone pretends all is well.  Good means there is nothing to lend itself to paranoia on the subject.  Nevertheless, I am reminded that all my plans must happen more quickly.  I really can’t put much more of it to public print.

It will take me good time to “get over it”.  It does, however, add to the sneer and I have lost that sneer since moving here.   I’m like a 70s punk rock sneer about it all. Sound and fury, signifying… not much really.  But it gets louder and funnier.  If you’re doing any small portion of this in your private bedroom you are not a proper citizen either!

Let’s put it this way…

I miss the underground.  Where the FUCK is my underground?!

worky

The propaganda of mediocrity is more clever than I care to admit.

It’s a bitter pill to re-swallow every once in awhile.  The bout of rage is really only a moment of shaking this time, but I am right.  I have been right.  I am not pleased that I have been right.

Risk <—>Reward still balances out.

Sleep comes.

While last Sunday began with limited brain activity, this week begins with too much brain activity.  And so it goes.  Sometimes, you just have to document your life.