the moment.

it’s the moment of decision.

crankshaft schematic

for awhile, that moment is one which I avoided.  At this point, when it’s unavoidable it’s time for the pat answer which turns the subject to something more interesting.  At this point, most people are either going to focus solely on it or make it a joke.

The reverse pendulum swing of the suspended blade is when someone I feel I just don’t have the energy to explain things to wants to push for detail.  It’s when I hand wave and that’s not enough.  I’m still unsure what the hiding is about, the turn of the cheek from exposure. It’s the person who’s opinion matters and I know I could turn it my way – but why?  At the end of the day, I just don’t care enough to put it out there but I care enough to avoid/deny/change the topic.

I wonder if and when it will change.

I really only care when I feel myself void the topic.

“What do you do” is mostly not in the lexicon of people around me any longer.  blessed relief.

When it’s asked, it’s usually from people who I’ll tell now or who may have an inkling or whom I don’t care about one way or the other and tell as I’m moving on to something else.  It’s the moment that still causes me to shake my head at myself.

but what are you doing now is the line.  It’s the line I draw with lie or the line I draw with truth.  it’s up there with “what’s your cell phone number”.  I’m less tortured now by giving out the number, having crap reception in your house means you rarely have to decide whether to answer or not.  Now the answer has two paths.  First path: Am I interested in having this discussion and are these people worth my energy? or am I up for being the novelty party favor of the night? Second path:  It could matter and I could need to explain to be certain they see it clearly because I like this person.  or or Do I care if I’m pegged with limited chance for being seen as a sum of parts rather than the whole of one element?

oh yeah there’s also the “it’s just going out there and no rsvp required” has become a large rule of the day of late.  there’s the response of assumption that you want response but that’s more loss for them and for me just sort of another drop in the bucket of ORLY?

mmm packard crank shaft....

So yes, I’ve decided to announce that I collect crankshafts and resell them on ebay.  I know it’s hard to understand but it’s what I do and I wish you’d see me as more than that.